Does This Book Come as a Podcast?

I made a New Year’s resolution to write a blog everyday. Here I am, Day 2 and I’m at a loss of interesting thoughts. My brain has had “Never Gonna Give You Up” on repeat for around 3 hours now and nothing else. My brain would rather rickroll me than help me become an upstanding member of society. I’m doing great at this. 

I’m also supposed to be reading a book. I joined a book club a few months ago and have read maybe eleven pages total. There have been 2 books. I’ve read ELEVEN (11) pages. How am I so bad at this? On the downlow, how morally reprehensible would it be, really, to CliffsNotes this bad boy? I’m so going to get kicked out of book club, aren’t I? I don’t want that! This feels like high school all over again but with a lot less 90210 to watch.

I love book club. Not only am I the youngest by a couple of decades which makes me feel super young but the other people in the book club are such interesting and smart people! I have so much to learn from them. And I’ll never get the chance because they’re going to kick me to the curb soon because I can’t stop researching conspiracy theories on the internet, thereby giving me no time for reading actual books. 

I need to make the time. I’m pretty sure that’s how resolutions work. Ugh. This feels so restrictive and unfair. Who decided we need to be better people?? Whose hair-brained idea was it to decide everyone needs to be healthier and nicer and more cultured just because it’s a new year? That was asking for trouble right out of the gate because I was a bit drunk on champagne when I thought of this dumb list and hungover when I decided to publicly announce that I was a “New Me” so now I feel obligated to whine loudly to anyone who happens to be in the vicinity of my online tantrums. You’ve brought this upon yourselves.

If you’re keeping score on my resolution revolution, then you should know that I have showered, you’re welcome. I have gone outside, because I had to take out the trash and that counts, it should count twice because it was the trash. I’m currently blogging, and I don’t actually remember the rest of my list but I’m sure the exercising part is going to be the catalyst that will drag this whole lifestyle change into the gutter so we’re not going to mention it.  So see? I’m doing great! I just need to read my book. After checking in on my social medias. And googling “hauntings”.

Wish me luck! I’m on page 7. I want to get to at least page 34 tonight. Think I can do it? I need someone to be my conspiracy and celeb gossip looker-into-er, though. Who wants that job?? It’s for the greater good so I don’t get kicked out of Fight Club. Oh my god, what if they beat me up?? This is exactly like high school, time to bust out the chokers, plaid mini-skirts, and Doc Martins. I’ve got reading to do.

New Year, New Me (but likely the same me but hopefully I’m a little less lazy about it)


I spent New Year’s Eve laughing and drinking with neighbors and my husband and kids. The kids weren’t drinking, obviously, but I did my part anyway and drank what they couldn’t. We had fun and drank too much and sang Beatles’ songs at the top of our lungs really late into the night. It was the perfect catapult into what I think is going to be a fun year. And then I was awoken from a peaceful dream about swimming in the clearest, bluest, warmest, sharkless ocean by a champagne headache and a cat with a death wish.

I have made grand plans to have a “Me” year, though. Around this time 2 years ago, I vowed to have a Mariah Carey year full of me being my diva self and not caring who knew. Well I had that year and it was exactly like I’d imagined but without the money or the shoes or the personal assistants or the Yes Men. No one cleaned for me. No one made sure my mimosas were filled.

What’s a girl have to do to be seen as a diva and not “Amy, put on pants”?

I’m still on the ultimate quest of living my “Mariah Carey Year” which may or may not have already panned out depending on how liberal we are with the rules. For example, sitting around drinking wine without pants on and talking about myself while everyone else around me does everything I didn’t get around to doing, we’ve probably had similar years, hers is probably a lot more gold plated and sparkly and she has someone to do her hair and stuff. I just look like an episode of Roseanne. (Speaking of Roseanne, did I really see that that show is coming back??? Please tell me it wasn’t a champagne fueled hallucination and it’s really really really happening.)

I am going to have my year this year. I’m doing it.  I say this every year and as a matter of fact, my 2018 so far has been me sitting on the couch juggling mimosas, napping, eating pizza and Doritos, and scrolling the internet all day so, exactly where I left 2017 off. Although, I have showered, gone outside, and am blogging, which, if you’ll notice on the forthcoming list, I’m not doing too shabby.

My RESOLUTIONS are as follows.

  • Try to go outside everyday
  • Exercise for 30 minutes everyday
  • Read for 30 minutes everyday
  • Shower. Everyday.
  • um, Eat an apple or something that grew out of the ground?
  • Blog. Everyday.

Once again, this list looks like a cry for help. But I do intend to blog everyday which is fitting as I leave town for several days soon and the idea of bringing my laptop will probably be met with eyerolls and “Come on, like you’re really going to write everyday. You’re not even going to open that thing once. Leave it here,” which sounds like I’m vacationing with my parent but no, just the husband. But I will be sitting in front of a cozy fire, probably super inspired by my new Oregon surroundings, it’ll be like Funny Farm only hopefully I won’t throw the whole thing into the fire when super husband, Ward Cleaver over here writes a best selling kids’ book about squirrels.

Ooh! Very important side-note: I just remembered that I had a baked potato for dinner so add that to the list of accomplishments because it grew from the ground. It counts. See? I’m doing even better than you thought I was.

There I go, fulfilling resolution list things right and left. Tonight’s supermoon is making me a super human. Or a werewolf. We’ll see what happens when I go outside. If you see me running around Encino naked and howling, you’ll know where we’re at but you have to let me go for at least a half an hour so I’ll be able to add another checkmark to my resolution list.