Nurse friend and I went out on our weekly walk on Friday as the “Neighborhood Watch Patrol” as a joke and I swear to god, not only was it the best walk we’ve ever been on,  there was some shady things afoot that I was not expecting to see.

• Guy in yellow LADWP shirt with beeping device that we were saying was probably fake and that his yellow shirt was fake and it was a conspiracy to commit crimes. This could be true, actually.
• We saw 3 guys in black suits, but the jackets were shiny and possibly made out of leather. The Mob. Clearly. And we kept seeing them. They were walking up one street and then 5 minutes later, you’d see two more looking at a house 3 blocks down. We never were completely sure if it was the same guys or a whole sting operation. But they have been noted in the Neighborhood Watch logbook.
• Some guy (do not believe he was part of the black jacket gang, he was in a khaki polo) started following us so we, smartly, began group texting some friends our selfies hoping to get him in the background of them in case we died. The friends did not find it as dire a situation as Nurse Friend and I did. We could’ve been killed. Our first day on patrol was almost our last.
• One of the friends that we were texting selfies to, drove by us without slowing down, not waving, probably wishing she had chosen a different route. I called her immediately, she told me she was in the car with someone and that I was on speakerphone and do NOT be weird. I responded “Neighborhood Watch”, she hung up on me.
• It got really hot outside. Like in the 80s. Too hot to walk around anymore plus it’s January and I would like at least a little semblance of winter. Also, we both had to pee. No one would come down a half a block and pick us up. Noted in the logbook.
• We thought about stealing a golf cart from a security guard we had passed earlier. Decided that’s probably against “official” Neighborhood Watch Rules but not completely off the table of ideas.
• We noticed a lady pushing around an empty baby stroller. No baby. Strange. Noted in the logbook.

5 Miles, 17,000 sit-ups worth of laughing, several potential criminal activities sighted and noted INCLUDING the friend who is trying to hide me from her other friends AND also the other friend who wouldn’t come pick us up when we got tired and sweaty.

Overall, the “Neighborhood Watch” was a success and we probably thwarted crimes from being committed during our shift. Also, we laughed the entire time, past a middle of the day dance party, or rave, or really loud music and we got to dance in the street like David Bowie and Mick Jagger.

I think we are patrolling again tomorrow. They’re going to give us the key to the city.